Jen's [ ]

Every once in a while...

I guess there are parts of me that really want to be the stereotypical, throw caution to the wind and all decency out the window, stupid, careless university student. Not worrying about much of anything. Just out to have a good time.

I mean, this is probably an illusion. There probably isn't anyone who is actually this stereotypical person. But sometimes, when I'm looking at the pictures that tell the stories of other peoples lives, it seems as though I'm missing out on things. It seems as though I spend too much of my life worrying about all the things that go on around me. It seems like people all around me are running around discovering things about themselves and about others, having new experiences, enjoying themselves, and their time with other people....and I'm sitting in a corner observing everything. Worrying about whether it would be a good idea or not to jump in. Considering every single possible outcome of every single possible scenario.

And meanwhile, life is passing me by. Or at least it feels that way.

It's strange. I believe that I'm strong. I believe that I can deal with any situation. I believe that I can get through anything life throws at me.... so why is it that I sit on the sidelines and contemplate how things are going to turn out? why don't I just throw myself in there head first and see what happens?

It's funny. I didn't want to do frosh. I didn't want to live in residence. I didn't want to become the stereotypical university student. And I'm happy with the decisions I made, but it seems as though the things that I wanted to accomplish in not engaging in these activities could have been accomplished just as easily if I had. Minus the 'making a drunken fool of myself' thing...I don't know. I guess I'm just feeling like life is passing me by. Like I'm missing out on things that a lot of my friends have already experienced.

or maybe I'm just procrastinating. I do have an exam to study for...

thing is, I was just looking at photos of a girl who was a really good friend of mine in High School. And these photos pretty much tell the story of the past couple of years of her life. And it looks pretty fantastic. She met really great people at her school, and she's become really good friends with them. She's gone on trips with them, she's spent time with her old friends from High School, she's gone back to visit Vancouver...and I'm not trying to say that I haven't had fantastic experiences in my past couple of years....but it just looks like a completely different thing from my experience. and I catch myself wondering what it would have been like if I had moved into Residence, and met people, and lived with randoms, and had house parties...which is not to say that I couldn't do some of these things now....

I don't know. I guess I just feel....like I'm sitting on the sidelines. Watching everyone else having fun. Watching everyone else grow and evolve. Watching everyone else experience things, and grow into fantastic people. And I'm stuck. Frozen in place. Watching. Wondering. Worrying.

and I guess I don't understand why I've stopped moving. Why I've planted my feet on the edge and not taken a flying leap into the abyss that is life.

I heard, one time, from a very reliable source, that panhandlers can make about fifty bucks a day.

I had a thought, on my way home, and don't ask me where it came from, that if I ever ended up homeless, and I could make fifty bucks a day, I would save half (or so) of it for the first few days of every month, and buy myself a membership to the Y.

Free showers, a warm, friendly place to spend some time during the day when needed...

And then I had a couple of other thoughts.

1 - the chances that I'm ever going to end up homeless? pretty much zero.
2 - the chances that it would be that easy to make fifty bucks a day panhandling (which I probably couldn't bring myself to do until I was feeling SUPER desperate anyway) are pretty slim (no matter how reliable my source)

anyhow. i shouldn't be thinking about this. or typing up a blog for that matter. Quarter after five in the AM? Back to the paper.

seems as though I have a job!! :)

more on that as soon as I get my schedule and it's more official and stuff.

Barista Jen part 2 is coming!! haha I'm such a loser, but I just can't wait!!

Yo La Tengo.

The Cat Empire.

If you haven't heard of either of these two groups...you need to check them out ASAP. They are phenomenal! I had the privilege of seeing both of them here in Montreal in the past week or so...AMAZING. Not only amazing on their CDs (of which Yo La Tengo has a good twenty-something) but amazing live. The Cat Empire's album "Two Shoes" caused my friend (a music Critic) to muse "if you don't like this, you shouldn't get to like anything, ever" in his review of it. And Yo La Tengo? apart from putting on a fantastic, not to mention intense, show, they graced us with a TRIPLE encore!!! amazing. ridiculously amazing. So if you can see either of them live, do it. but if they're not coming to your town any time soon then check out some of their music.

trust me, it's worth it.

So Hockey season has FINALLY officially begun. It's a little bit strange though, because unlike past years when I've only had to worry about the Canucks, I'm playing in a fantasy hockey league this year....and so there are a lot of other players and teams that I have to keep my watchful eye on...why do I have a feeling that is just going to be one more thing to keep me away from my school work?!

So it's Thanksgiving weekend. And it's absolutely beautiful out. It's PERFECT Thanksgiving weather...according to me at least! Little bit of a nip in the air, but sunny with a clear blue sky. Leaves tumbling from the trees as the wind playfully bends the branches back and forth. Yup, its pretty perfect.

We had our Thanksgiving dinner yesterday. Somehow (and this is what happens when you leave boys in charge) vegetables got forgotten. Yup, completely forgotten. We had Thanksgiving dinner at my friend's place this year because they decided that it would be a better idea, seeing as they have a bigger place and a huge table. No one wanted to start planning the dinner last week...so eventually I stopped trying to get opinions out of people and left it up to the two guys that live there, Dave and Josh. We ended up being seven people, so the boys decided on having 2 turkeys, one prepared by each of them. Dessert was delegated to Annie, a girl that lives with them. She made 2 pumpkin pies (plus a test one the night before...and this one got consumed that night by her and Josh. good job guys) and an apple crumble. Potatoes were assigned to me. Mashed potatoes, of course. So I made a casserole dish full of mashed potato and yam, with a bit of roasted garlic and rosemary. I was about to get started on making some plain garlic mashed potatoes as well when I got a phone call...one of the girls couldn't eat garlic. So I made some garlic mashed, and some regular mashed.

I asked the guys for an approximate time, and they said 1-ish. I showed up at about ten after one...and they were saying 2. Fine. Sitting on the couch, sipping my rum and coke (yes, one in the afternoon is a COMPLETELY appropriate time to be drinking. especially when it's Thanksgiving.) it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't noticed any vegetables in the house. Josh was in the middle of making gravy and cranberry sauce when I enquired about vegetables...apparently they had been forgotten. FORGOTTEN! I was shocked. To me, a turkey dinner should have carrots and green beans FOR SURE. Also, potentially brussel sprouts...but not everyone likes those...so I don't mind if they're missing. And on top of that...I'm used to having the option of having salad as well. I don't usually have any salad, or not much at least (more room for the turkey!!), but at least having the option is nice. So anyhow, I discovered some carrots in the fridge and we did them up with some honey and butter...quick save, but still not quite the same. No vegetables!!! strange. And then when everything was out on the table it looked so strange....green was missing! Everything was in this orange-ish colour range. Carrots, Yams, Potatoes, Turkey, Gravy...Cranberry sauce added a bit of colour, but still in the same sort of range. It was weird. Very weird.

But it was delicious. And I should be thankful that I got a Thanksgiving dinner at all.

Speaking of which...since turkeys will be on sale and all that, and I didn't get any of the leftovers...I'm going to purchase one and make myself a turkey dinner either monday or next weekend....kind of depends on how the paper I have due this week goes...

can't wait for the leftovers!! oh, and the Canucks play the Avalanche today....GO CANUCKS GO!

I've been waiting all week for the weekend, so that I would actually be able to......

wait for it......

(and no, this is not what you were expecting)

.....organize stuff  in my appartment, and wash dishes. Yup. That's right. That's the fun and exciting life I lead.

All week I've looked around my appartment and been frustrated by the mess, but I've had to put it out of my mind because there was always school work to be done for the next day...not that there isn't school stuff to get done right now...but I have all weekend, and not just one evening to get it done. so I should be cleaning. BUT...I can't seem to get my ass off the couch (or, alternatively, the chair in front of the computer)...and I blame the weather. the gross, grey, rainy, blah weather that we had today.

I got nothing done today, so I have nothing interesting to write. sorry. I just figured that I hadn't blogged in a while so I probably should.

right. I'm going to stop typing now, because none of this is interesting...kind of like today.

okay. so summer isn't COMPLETELY gone...yet. Today is beautiful. It's currently 22 degrees outside. Sunny. Warm. Slight breeze every once in a while...but it's not a Vancouver-type breeze. In Vancouver, the breeze comes off of the ocean. So the breeze is COLD! Here, sitting on my balcony, the breeze is warm. It gently moves the warm air past the entities in its way, brushing against my bare legs or my cheeck as it goes by. Of course, it helps that my balcony is in direct sunlight...it's something I didn't even think about when I chose the apartment. I never thought about which side of the street it was on, and therefore, whether or not it would get the day's sun. Well, it gets the sun. And I LOVE it. Makes it kinda warm in the summer sometimes...but this summer wasn't that hot, so it wasn't a huge deal. Plus, with a few simple window treatment tricks, you can keep a lot of direct sun out, while still letting the breeze in...(haha, this makes me think of the other day when I was organizing some cupboards at a friend's house, and he looked at me and said "one day you're going to have your own HGTV show, and I'm going to tell everyone that I said you were going to have your own HGTV show.")

So I've been sitting on my balcony. I love my balcony. I didn't sit on it enough this summer. I really think that if I get a little bistro table and stick a couple of chairs out there I'll use it a lot more....but I haven't been able to find the PERFECT little table just yet....

anyhow.

I've been on the balcony. Working on school stuff. But my knee has been hurting lately, and so I decided that I should probably ice it (now that I have a gel pack!). While icing it I decided to knit...because I can time it better that way... (knit however many rows, then stick the gel pack back in the freezer)...but, of course, and I knew this was going to happen.....the ball of yarn (that I rolled into a ball last night....I guess now it probably wasn't the best idea) rolled off the side of the balcony....and down to the sidewalk below. it bounced off the balconies below mine too....I heard it. Yeah. So...that sucked. I had to pull it back up....and now it's not a ball anymore. it's a pile of fantastic yarn, sitting on my balcony. in a pile. and i don't feel like rolling it into a ball again.

I'm going to go back outside and enjoy the sun before it leaves me again...

So it's not even officially fall yet, and I seem to be falling into wintery-type activities. It seems that the slight change in weather has me thinking about baking yummy desserts, spending time curled up on the couch with a big mug of tea, and wrapping myself in cozy scarves before heading outside.

Last weekend I was overtaken by a sudden urge to bake. I was on my computer, reading some of the recent articles on the HOUR webpage and I hit some link by accident. I happened to be a link to an article about a local Bakery called Cocoa Locale. This itty bitty bakery was started by a girl named Reema Singh, and to this day she bakes everything herself everyday. Last year my friend started bugging me by saying that I should put up ads and start selling my baking...in high school I was known for my cookies, and since then I've been known for cookies, cakes and cupcakes...baking has always been something that I've enjoyed, and I guess it's something that's always come easily to me. I was always amazed that some people had trouble baking. I have an aunt who has to practice each new recipe at least twice before she actually makes it for a dinner, or for guests...and that's just something that doesn't make sense to me! I've never had my baking not work out, even the first time I try a recipe. ANYHOW. I happened to click on this link, and reading about this girl and her little Bakery made me think about baking...and, well, I just had to bake something!! So that night I stayed up until about 3 in the morning...baking muffins. Crazy? Sure. But it was fun...and not to mention, tasty! And now I have a bunch of muffins in my freezer that I can take out whenever I want a yummy breakfast or treat.

Today, on my way home after school, I was walking past a little yarn shop that's near my home, and I remembered that I wanted to go in to see if they had embroidery floss there. Not just any embroidery floss...but metallic embroidery floss. Why? Well, I was working at this little store just before I took off for Vancouver, and they sold some jewellery there...well I happen to make some of my jewellery...and a lot of stuff that you can buy out there is really simple to make...there was a particular bracelt and necklace that I really enjoyed, and was SURE that I could make....the beads aren't expensive, and they're pretty common and easy to find...but I wasn't so sure about the metallic 'string' that was used. I had a hunch that it was metallic embroidery floss, because I know it exists, but I wasn't positive...anyhow. I was walking by the yarn shop, and decided to stop in to see if they had any...sure enough, they had it, and sure enough it was just what i was looking for!! unfortunately I didn't have enough cash on me to cover a couple of skeins, and they wouldn't take interac unless I spent over $10, so I wandered around and looked at yarn for a bit. I found a really fantastic baby alpaca yarn...a deep grey colour...amazingly soft...and now I'm knitting a scarf. Yup. I'm a huge loser. Baking, and knitting are 2 of my great winter activities.

Plus I don't have a grey scarf...........yet. he he he.

I'm excited. But I should be studying. But I'm playing with scarf patterns :)

I'm sick of television romances. So sick of them. And yet, I can't stop myself from watching them, from becoming enraptured by them.

A friend of mine recently made a comment regarding these relationships. He said "I bet there are more good relationships on television than there are in real life." And I almost think that's the truth. I mean, sure, some of the characters are fucked up. They have difficult pasts, they've been through tough times, whatever. But the thing about television is that, no matter what happens, they have a plan. There's always a writer just waiting for the right moment for Mr/Ms Perfect to come along. There's always someone looking out for the character. Sure, they may have relationship trouble, or even lose someone that they love with all of their heart...but there's always someone else coming along. Something to ease the pain.

I wish I could sit back and know that there was someone with a plan for me. But unfortunately there are no such script writers for our lives. Or, at least, I don't believe there to be. Yes, I do believe that there may be some force greater than you or I, but I don't think that it's some guy watching over us, orchestrating our every move. "Fate" is a strange thing, and much can be proven by probability. I'm not going to turn this into some sort of religious debate, because that's not what it is. It's simply that television is so contrived...and yet growing up, a lot of people use television shows to base a lot of their knowledge upon. I mean, my parents had a great relationship...but unfortunately it was cut short when my dad died.

I'm a romantic. Definitely. And part of that definitely came from watching my parents, and hearing about their relationship...but I only got to see so much of that, and so part of it also came from books and television. And that sounds really sad. I know it does. But it's simply the truth. I mean, it's about the best that I can speculate... I was always an avid reader...and it's so easy to get lost in the lives of the characters in books. My favourite books, and consequently movies and television shows, were always the ones that stirred my emotions. What can be more touching than love? Or the relationship between two people?

Tonight I was watching Grey's Anatomy. I discovered earlier this summer that Grey's Anatomy stirrs my emotions...and then when I got back home I noticed it was on on Thursday nights...The new season starts next week, so it's still reruns, but that's okay, because I haven't seen many episodes. Almost every episode manages to move me to tears. I never got into ER, so maybe this is my replacement for that (so many people seemed to love it). Anyhow, the interpersonals of this show are so ridiculous sometimes, but somehow still so touching. So contrived, but they still manage to affect me. And if it isn't the core characters doing something to make me feel...then it's some of their patients. Tonight the core characters were ridiculous. I mean, they're fine on their own, but most of the couples were fighting, and one of the ex-couples had a bit of a screaming match on the stairs....but dont worry. the girl from that relationship opened up to her new beau, and they kissed at the end of the show. Sunny skies on the horizon for her... This time it was the patients who moved me. And the relationships left me frustrated at how perfect the timing is in shows like this...and how it so rarely happens like that in real life.

where's MY soulmate?!

So I was hanging out at school yesterday, in my friend Jon's studio (he's in architecture, and each year gets their own studio to work in), at around 1:30, when his phone rings. It's his mom. His side of the conversation goes something like this:

"Hey. Really? Right now? Are you serious? No, but are you serious? Like, right now?? Okay. Okay, I will. Love you too."

I'm sure pretty much everyone has heard by now...his mom was calling to tell him that there was a shooting going on at Dawson College (a Cegep, pretty much on the other side of downtown...but on Jon's way home) at that very moment, and that he shouldn't be anywhere near there. But it sounds pretty unrealistic, hey? What would you say if you got a phone call that said "oh hey, by the way, there's some guy spraying a bunch of bullets randomly on the other side of town, so don't go over there"? We were all a little shocked, so we whipped out a computer and went online to check things out....of course, there was already some coverage online concerning this...and the reading of that article started a pretty much continuous flow of the same information...over and over and over. It's one of those things, that if you're watching TV you can't not watch it...and even if you don't WANT to watch it...well there isn't much else on. You just can't get away from it. And so we watched the same footage...over and over and over.

if you're one of the few who hasn't heard about it you can check it out HERE or HERE.

Since yesterday, they seem to have identified the shooter, who injured 19 and killed 1. Earlier reports yesterday repeatedly said that 4 were dead, and so the confirmation of 1 seems like a bit of a miracle to me. Of course, there are essentially 2 deaths, as the gunman himself was either shot down by police, or killed himself after being shot in the leg. Your speculation is as good as mine.

So, I don't know. I guess you could say that Montreal had a pretty shitty day yesterday. But as terrible as it is...let's put it in perspective, shall we? ....how many innocent people are killed around the world everyday? Especially in the Middle East these days? Not to make light of the situation, I mean, I think it's absolutely terrible, and my heart goes out to families of the injured and the dead, and I thank my lucky stars that nothing happened to me, or anyone close to me...but it could be worse.

And now back to my regular programming....ah school...

School.

I'm pretty sure it's not a very good sign when you fall asleep during class on your very first day back at school.

Oops.

Although it feels like forever since my last round of finals, it also feels too soon to be back at school. I don't know if it's just that I didn't have much time between 'getting back to montreal' and 'starting school' or what, but it just doesn't feel right to be stuck in a classroom again. But it IS time. I can definitely feel fall in the air...and I love fall, so I shouldn't be sad. Actually, I went for a little walk this evening and let my thoughts wander a bit...it was fantatic. There is something about the wind in the fall...it moves me. It makes me thoughtful. It makes me restless. I don't know, it just gets to me. It's as if it blows right into my core and stirs things up.

In the winter, I hate the wind. It is the reason that winter sucks in Montreal. It really wouldn't be that cold, or that terrible, except for the fact that the bloody wind howls down streets and penetrates any layers you may be wearing and freezes you entirely. But for some reason, in the fall, I love the wind. I love the feeling of it in my hair, against my cheeks, blowing the fabric of my clothing against my skin. Yes. Fall. I love Fall. Can't wait to pull all of my sweaters out....although I'm not quite ready to put the skirts away!

so I'm back in Montreal. I'm sorry for not blogging the whole time I was away, but there were so many people to see and stuff...

I can't believe that I was gone for an entire month. I need to remember to only go home for two to three weeks tops. It's nice and all to see everyone, but then there's this point when I just start missing Montreal too much. My apartment, my friends, my places etc etc. It's weird not to go for a drink at Brutopia on mondays, or to not know all the bus routes that I use and all that stuff...but I'm home now, and school starts tomorrow.

I feel like there are so many things that I need to get done before school starts, but I'm already out of time! My apartment is a disaster, and I just couldn't do anything about it today. I'm so exhausted right now, that as soon as I sat down on the couch, I couldn't get myself off of it! And, of course, I am going out tonight. My friend Nick (who moved back to New Jersey) is in town visiting, and he's leaving tomorrow, so I MUST see him tonight! He picked me up at the airport yesterday and everything, he's such a sweetheart.

...but I am SO not looking forward to getting up to go to class tomorrow. ugh. it's really the getting up early that i'm so not into. I mean, my classes only start at 10...but STILL!

okay, this is SO all i have the energy for right now...but I'll definitely be blogging a little more than once a month now! :)

ugh. msn is stilll driving me absolutelyl insane.

i cannot blog properly until i have figured some of this madness out.

strange. yes, the new MSN Spaces is strange. and I will have to play around with it once again to get it back to normal. or some version of normal. it will probably end up looking completely different. stupid MSN.

on the up side, there are fireworks in Vancouver tonight, and I am going to watch them. I haven't gone to see any of the fireworks in Montreal, so this is going to be nice.

it's good to be back in beautiful BC, but I miss montreal already....

okay, quickly, before MSN remembers that it hates me and decides to block me out of spaces once again, I want to apologize for not blogging!! MSN definitely hates me...and it won't let me get to any MSN spaces (except, apparently, it decided that it was okay for me to go to Shaner's space yesterday. but that was the first move back towards normalcy..)

Also, I don't really have any time to be blogging right now, so I have nothing much to say. I'm going to Vancouver on Tuesday, so I have a million and four things to do before I take off! Looking forward to it though, and I hope everyone is doing fantastically.

so.......sorry if there aren't any blogs in the very near future...it's a combination of MSN's hatred for me, and me being busy.

alrighty, I'm off to eat something and get stuff done. man, I sure lead an exciting life....